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    父愛的4張面孔

    發布時間:2019-06-20 作者:本報記者 張貴勇 來源:中國教育報

    兒子上中學后,不再像以前那樣主動、熱情、愛跟我聊天,經常會拒絕我的要求和誠懇建議,原來父慈子孝的氛圍似乎蕩然無存。我吼他幾句,或者表達不滿,一開始還有點兒效果,后來卻陷入死循環,讓我深感受挫。

    不少初中生家庭都存在親子關系驟然緊張的現象,有的沖突激烈、持久,甚至發生讓人觸目驚心的極端事件。內在的必然并非孩子進入了所謂的成長叛逆期,而是父母依然用老眼光、用小學階段的教育方法來對待已然長大的孩子。父母強烈的控制欲背后,其實是對孩子不再順從、乖巧的反感,是權威被撼動的不安,以及漸漸對孩子未來失控的惶恐。

    這段經歷讓我意識到,父愛不能只有一種“打開方式”,不能只有一張面孔。除了一以貫之地作為孩子成長的陪伴者、保護者、觀察者,父愛要因循孩子成長的不同“節氣”而不斷“變臉”,在孩子的幼年期、童年期、青春期、初顯成人期轉換教育的側重點,幫助孩子爬山過坎,在逐漸放手中穩固親密關系。

    幼年期:父愛的面孔是玩伴

    學前6年,是孩子與他人建立親密關系的關鍵期,這時候的父愛要體現一種童真與諧趣,父親要扮演好孩子的玩伴角色。

    既然是玩伴,就需要拿出時間和誠意,盡量多陪伴在孩子身邊,一起游戲、一起閱讀、一起看世界。許多孩子在城市里長大,父親不妨帶孩子到農村去玩抓蟲子、做弓箭、捉小魚、釣青蛙等游戲;有的孩子成長于狹小的空間,運動量不夠,父親可以和孩子一起踢足球、滑輪滑,玩警察抓小偷等各種游戲;孩子如果比較內向,父親可以有針對性地一起玩過家家、演戲劇、小主播等游戲,鼓勵孩子一點點樹立信心。

    玩伴角色的深意不只是讓孩子有個好伙伴,讓獨生子女的童年不孤單,而是玩出花樣、玩出名堂、玩出能力,培養孩子對生活的熱愛、對他人的信任,豐富孩子的生命體驗,為孩子小小的心靈注入安全感。

    為了讓玩伴角色更出彩,父親要放下所謂的面子與權威,把自己當作孩子就好,不必一本正經、裝腔作勢。親子共讀時可以抑揚頓挫、變換聲調,一起享受閱讀的樂趣;做游戲時可以享受兩小無猜,發揚游戲精神,使雙方更快進入劇情,專注于游戲的樂趣。

    幼年期父親與孩子玩得好、談得來,為增進親子關系做了重要鋪墊,有助于奠定家庭教育的良好底色。孩子未來是否有幸福感和責任感,很大程度上也取決于這一時期。

    童年期:父愛的面孔是學長

    小學6年,是孩子心性發育、習慣養成的關鍵期,此時父愛應該是亦師亦兄的學長模樣,即在陪伴孩子的同時,注意培養孩子良好的學習習慣、行為方式,讓孩子具有基本的禮儀禮數和待人接物能力,并發展出自己的興趣與特長。

    在學習方面,父親要關注孩子的寫字姿勢、拼音基礎、算術能力等,但不必每天像監工一樣時刻緊盯著,只需要在閑暇之余看一看,督促一下即可。在學習之外,多關注孩子的情緒管理、同伴交往、師生關系、興趣發展等,引導孩子內心平衡,有禮有節。此時的父親要像一位學長,用溫柔敦厚、娓娓道來的姿態與孩子相處,避免大吼大叫、暴風驟雨。可以結合自己的經驗與體會,給孩子正確、及時的指引。

    一個人對世界的看法、對生活的信念,是在童年期奠定基礎的。因此,父愛的學長面孔不能忽略價值觀層面的引領,多給孩子講講自己的成長故事、對待挫折的做法,有助于孩子精神立起來、格局大起來、為人正起來。

    青春期:父愛的面孔是朋友

    到了中學階段,孩子逐漸進入學習力、自制力和價值觀養成的關鍵期,此時父愛的面孔是朋友,平時或許隱身,當孩子有傾訴欲望時,做好傾聽者;在孩子需要指點時,給予恰到好處的建議;在孩子需要鼓勵時,為之加油吶喊。多些換位思考、理解寬容,是這時親子關系的重要準則。

    朋友交往重在信任、講究分寸,不過度、不造作、不虛假是底線。朋友般的父愛是理性而深邃的,要拿出巨大的誠意,真心接納變化中的孩子,接納孩子的所有優點與缺點,用朋友的無私與信任,鼓勵孩子找到學習的動力、生活的樂趣、前行的勇氣、人生的方向。尤其在孩子面對逆境和情感方面的問題時,父親要做好傾聽者,和孩子一起解決成長過程中的難題。

    青春期的孩子情緒變化大,背負巨大的學業競爭壓力,父親要做好自己的情緒管理,不能過于劇烈波動,一方面密切關注孩子的內心變化,另一方面記得與孩子保持一定的距離,不過于親密,也不特別疏遠,要給孩子自主的空間。

    一位年長好友建議我對待上初中的兒子要“少說話,多做飯”,對我幫助很大。因為青春期正是孩子挑戰父親權威、了解自己能力的階段,是他們精神上的第一次斷乳。如果父親過于強硬、強勢,只能招致孩子更激烈的反抗,結果是兩敗俱傷。

    初顯成人期:父愛的面孔是導師

    等到孩子上了大學,雖已走出青春期,卻還沒有進入完全承擔責任的成人世界,距離實現經濟獨立、自給自足尚有“最后一公里”。此時父愛的面孔是導師,要像《相約星期二》里的莫里·施瓦茨教授、《心靈捕手》里的數學教授藍波那樣,在孩子做出就業、婚姻等重要抉擇時給予指導。

    面對即將自立、擁有自己事業和家庭的子女,父愛的魅力是博學廣識、飽經風霜,是沉穩內斂、格局大度,是壓得住火、韻味悠長。當然,這時父親能否成為孩子信任的人生導師,跟前面幾個階段父愛的面孔直接相關。例如,有的孩子在婚姻問題上會征求父親的建議,有的只通知一聲甚至不打招呼,不同的處理方式背后折射出不一樣的父子關系和父親地位。有的孩子一生與父親都沒有和解,內心深處的困惑痛苦可想而知。

    積極擔起導師的職責,幫助孩子順利走過人生的關鍵節點,給孩子受用一生的智慧,也有助于家庭文化的傳承。當兒子的,如果從人生大事上真正領會到“父愛”這一精神靠山的含義時,他今后也會有意識地去做一個稱職乃至優秀的父親。

    4張面孔,4段人生,是身體上從近到遠、精神上從遠到近的過程,人生的魅力與興味亦在其中。(本報記者 張貴勇)

    《中國教育報》2019年06月20日第10版 

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