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    好父親 存活在智慧母親的嘴邊

    發布時間:2019-06-20 作者:殷飛 來源:中國教育報

    近年來,人們越來越重視父親對孩子成長的重要作用,“爸爸去哪兒了”“喪偶式育兒”“詐尸式育兒”等各種充滿想象力和沖擊力的詞語,把孩子的成長問題籠統歸結為父親缺位、父教缺失,顯然有矯枉過正之嫌。

    這一現象的原因,一是兒童發展越來越受到關注,教育的科學性在與日俱增;二是家庭中夫妻角色在悄然發生變化,原本“男主外、女主內”的家庭傳統角色分配正在消解。在角色不滿與育兒不力的雙重壓力下,母親們的抱怨與擔憂可以理解,也應該得到支持。

    但是,家庭中的教育角色不宜用簡單對錯去線性評判。盡管父母的言行對孩子的成長各有影響,但是對孩子的成長而言,父母高質量的合作所創造的家庭氛圍,影響力遠大于某個角色的對錯。況且,作為協調合作的角色組合,父母若能智慧協作,還能彌補某一個角色的不足與偏差。

    我小時候是由媽媽和奶奶帶大的,爸爸好像沒有承擔太多的教育責任。因為爸爸是家里的經濟支柱,是主要勞動力,要賺錢養家,家務和撫養孩子的責任就都落在媽媽與奶奶的身上。但爸爸對我的成長過程卻是有影響的,因為我有一個智慧的媽媽。

    當然,父親能有意識地陪伴孩子更好,但如果實在沒有時間、意識不到陪伴的重要性、暫時做不到,簡單倡導或者一味批判,既欠妥又無益。如何彌補不足,避免對孩子的消極影響,才是討論的重點。

    好父親的形象存活在陪伴孩子成長的時光中,也存活在智慧母親的嘴邊。前者不是所有的父親都能做到,后者卻是所有媽媽都能做到的。這不是遷就或饒恕父親的不負責任,也不是用阿Q精神麻痹母親,而是圍繞孩子成長這一根本目標的智慧選擇。

    同一件事,說的人不同的解讀,聽的人會產生不同的反應,收到的教育效果大相徑庭。記得有時候爸爸喝醉了酒回來,媽媽很少抱怨,更不會吵架,而是吩咐我和姐姐:“快!拿毛巾倒水,你爸爸不容易,為了這個家喝成這個樣子。”你說我媽媽得多有智慧啊!

    我現在都記得媽媽嘴里爸爸的美好形象,如爸爸早出晚歸很少見到我們,媽媽常對我說:“爸爸昨晚回來親了你一下,還幫你蓋了被子。”這個從媽媽嘴里描繪的情景,一直到現在都溫暖著我。

    上大學了,媽媽給我打電話,第一句話往往是“你爸想你了,但是就是不主動打電話。”父親愛孩子的美好形象,從媽媽嘴里不斷地傳遞給我,讓我永遠確信父親是愛我的。這就是媽媽的智慧。

    后來我學了心理學,才發現智慧的媽媽沒有延續常規去“定義”父親,而是采用“再定義”的方法,對父親的行為進行了積極的解釋。這就是家庭生活的藝術,媽媽沒有“實話實說”,更不追求情緒宣泄的快感,而是用她的話給兒女塑造了一個好父親的形象。

    如果實話實說就是教育,還要父母、教師做什么,偵探豈不是最好的教育者?有一種教育的智慧,不是解釋你執著認為的真相,而是聚焦推動孩子健康成長的最終目的,創造你心中的理想。因此,好父親存活在智慧母親的嘴邊,好母親也存活在智慧父親的嘴邊。

    (作者單位:南京師范大學教育科學學院)

    《中國教育報》2019年06月20日第10版 

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