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    家庭需要父親的剛性力量和堅實質地

    發布時間:2019-06-20 作者:鹿永建 來源:中國教育報

    近年來,關于父親職責的話題屢被關注,公眾對家庭教育中父親缺位、父教缺失問題的認知水平明顯提高。但是,過快的生活節奏、過大的職場壓力、過強的網絡誘惑,使年輕的父親們頭腦大、身子小、力量弱、行動難。幫助更多父親回歸家庭,尚需進一步提升認識高度,通過父親個人、家庭和政府、社會的綜合努力,打造有利于履行父職的專業服務與法制、社會環境。

    幫助父親回歸家庭,當然不是讓男人辭職回家變暖男,而是重振家庭的價值和父親的使命,讓男人回歸男人本色、讓丈夫成為稱職的丈夫、讓父親成為合格父親。唯如此,在家庭這個人生的港灣、和平的堡壘和成長的愛巢中,父親才能提供父性的可靠框架,呈現父職的堅實質地,營造父愛的生命營養。

    幫助父親回歸家庭,前提是加強父親重要性的研究與傳播。

    英國紐卡斯爾大學曾通過對17000個英國嬰兒進行長達半個世紀的跟蹤調查,結果顯示,這些在1958年3月的同一個星期出生的孩子中,較長時間與父親相處的,日后比其他同輩更聰明并容易躋身高于父親的社會階層,可見父親的陪伴有助于培養子女更高的才能,這一優勢在子女42歲前一直存在。若父親把照顧子女的責任全部交給妻子,子女在個人發展上與單親家庭子女無異。這樣的研究越多,就為父親回歸家庭提供越堅實的理念基礎。

    關于父親的職責,顯然不可能有標準答案。我最認可的,是當代美國心理學家杜布森博士對于好男人、好丈夫、好父親的界定,簡潔而到位。杜布森博士認為好男人的品格包括四個方面:主動、進取、有責任感;保護家庭;體察女性及孩子的需要;健康的男性氣質。一般而言,好男人要成為好父親,還須更進一步:要成為家庭經濟來源的提供者,成為家庭的領袖、保護者和精神導師。當然,成為好父親,首先應當成為好丈夫,應當愛自己的妻子到甘心為她舍命的程度。

    杜布森博士的“好父親法則”提醒我們,回歸父親本位,包括為人之父應當具有的內在品格和外在責任,都基于維護和實現家庭的職能,體現出男人與女人平等而有別、父親與母親互敬而互助、親子之間有次序而相愛等特征。

    幫助父親回歸家庭,應當為他們提供優良的家庭教育指南和培訓。

    南非作家卡西·卡斯騰斯在《世界需要父親》一書的前言中說:“如其他國家一樣,中國也鮮有父親接受過父職培訓,我們希望改變這一現狀,因為大多數已婚男人的第一職責就是父親。”卡西·卡斯騰斯所說的父職培訓,應當是每個父親都可以學習并操練的實用指南,“幫助你建立一種充滿喜樂的家庭文化和氛圍;刺激你的家庭生命系統分泌正向神經遞質;以道德權威贏得孩子的尊重,并以此建立穩固根基,施行管教;幫助你和孩子以正確身份、為正確目標而活;幫助你通過認可和肯定使孩子發揮出最大潛能”。

    杜布森博士認為好父親至少有三個行動要點:用愛塑造孩子的意志,告訴孩子你有多愛他,找一個安靜的地方跟孩子談心,指出他的個人價值和尊嚴;清晰地表達管教的內容,包括什么可以做、什么不可以做,什么在什么時間或什么場合不可以做;避免傷害孩子的心靈,永遠不要說“你太笨!”“我生你這樣的孩子真是白生了!”贊揚和肯定孩子的進步和每一個良好行為……這樣的要點,應當生動而實用地體現在各種家庭教育培訓和課程中。

    幫助父親回歸家庭,需要學校及社區為父親學習成長提供有力的微觀環境。

    現代城市家庭和越來越多鄉村家庭之間的聯系在變弱,眾多家庭和父親在孤獨地面對家庭關系難題。面對如何當好父親的考驗,為渴望成長的父親建立學習型組織,勢在必行。

    比如,在有良心、良知、良能的專業組織幫助下,同一社區中的眾多家庭可以成立讀書小組,成為彼此互助的鄰舍和彼此祝福的生命共同體。在學校家委會這個平臺上,學生家長也可以成立讀書小組,在其中好好學習天天向上。當然,教育機構、專業組織都可以孵化家長成長共同體,為好父親成長提供有專業和道德營養的微環境,觸及家庭的本質,確認父親的職責,重建保護家庭的價值觀,以回應詆毀家庭和拆毀家庭的亞文化。

    幫助父親回歸家庭,政府也應當有所作為。

    某一年父親節前,我找到盛傳的“瑞典父親法”的英文版,原來是“父母親休假條例”,用法案形式給父親們更多撫育孩子時間。從1974年瑞典首創父親親子法的概念,到近來中國學者呼吁將男性帶薪護理假納入社會保險統籌,表明中國正在邁向一個幫助父親有效履行家庭責任的社會。

    (作者系中國教育學會家庭教育專業委員會常務副理事長、新華社國內部重大報道策劃中心副主任)

    《中國教育報》2019年06月20日第9版 

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